Seattle, WA —
Today the NHL announced the name of the NHL’s new expansion team, the Seattle Kraken. The new arena will be aptly named the Seattle Krak House. After the announcement, crack heads throughout the Seattle-Tacoma area rejoiced. WAFN sent investigative journalist Kari Mysac out to homeless encampments throughout the city to find out what local crack heads had to say about the news.
Former homeless porn star Jenni Lee stated, “From everything that I’ve heard, it looks like the Krak House is gonna be the name. Which is not too surprising, since, all of us on the streets know there is a ton of crack in Seattle. I was a little bit shocked though, just because we had been told several times previously, by the employees working the needle and crack pipe exchange, that the government was not going to build us a giant crack house. It looked like they were leaning towards increasing the daily cash handouts. And then now, I guess it’s come out that the crack house is going to have hockey too. So I’m not exactly sure, um.. why they decided to put hockey in a crack house. I am worried that the cold air might prevent our pipes from getting hot enough. It’s cool though we won’t have to worry about nobody robbing us there – Who’s gonna rob us? A crackhead crab? A jellyfish junkie?”